Saturday. 08.28.2021

The color green, saturated, is wealthy. Muted, it’s fragile, thin, one drop away from a fracture. When transparent, it’s charming, inducing. Of what? That depends on the lighting. Add blue, make laughter. Add yellow, knobby knees on sour grass. Add white, taste the taffy! Green. Think of a misted forest floor coated in a rich, mossy understory. Picture hands on leaves, velveteen like the fluff of a pup or slick like the underside of a worn shoe. They prick your skin and move to kiss your wounds. 

The number seven, 7, is a balanced thing. It leans forward only to hold itself in place. It knows restraint. It is an upward crest of an advancing tide, and it’s the hanging cliff on the oceanside. It’s odd, not an outcast. It’s a preliminary stepping stone toward larger vistas. Seven is odd, but it contains “even”. It marks the day of contentment, the moment of relief after much painstaking effort. Seven is the age of liberation and bleeding knees and complex sentences and back talk and crushing heartbreak, that is, feeling an innocent crush unrequited. 

Seven meets green and introduces itself, sweetly. Green accepts, silently.

Wednesday. 08.04.2021

My lips are sour this morning. Assuredly, the coffee I’m taking is no ally to moisture nor sweetness. The early sky is low and the sun sits above it. Oh, to be a bird above the mist! A plane! A speck of dust in the higher atmosphere!

Thursday. 06.10.2021

Yesterday, I had a dream.

And in that dream was smoking ice.

Forwards, frontwards, all was made same by the by-product of a dying age. 

And in that dream was causation,

For the ice was gone and what was left was material made soggy and wet by the once-was-ice, not really gone, I guess. 

Then, another dream, a vision this time.

And in my sights was burning fire.

A rapid, restless, rising thing. 

Sweeping hilltops and valleys, cleansing and creeping; a somewhat of a Sam Heck.

Clueless, the perking flowers sunk into the ashen earth, 

the flattened earth, 

and a coat of tar rested on the planet’s relaxed shoulders. 

“Ah,” the land let out. 

Then, hurried the herring, the bass, 

the shrimp, the crab, the god-damn trout,

All of which withered and died out. 

“Oh,” the dirt exhaled. 

The Mallard, the heron, the blue jay set sail for but a moment, then down came their feathered heads and tails. 

“Wow,” cried the loam, agog, 

Lain down helplessly beneath a ravenous fog.  

The creaks of our creation, in this dream of course, where else? Are a clattering, clambering, pit-pat-tattering kerfuffle within a nowhere man’s hotel. 

The hotel of which we speak is of the rotten, no-good, god-awful kind. It ain’t even a building. No door, no window, not even one lousy blind. 

It’s more like a structure built on the hearth of the soul, 

perched and rickety and just shy of a hollow warning timber, 

awaiting all that melting, igniting, that burning kindling, 

and a simmering, dying coal.

*Sunday. 05.23.2021

Trixie tampering top-shape, Tim.

Tap-tap-tattering first plait thin.

Surreptitious quandary and a Cotillard prawn.

Deep sea, see floor, the hardware is on.

Per scuffle, a muffled moan, a meandering yawn.

Midnight myth, a mismatched mix for Missy, Ma, and Me-mom. 

Off, off, off, off, on, on, on.

Is the wifi a friend of yours behind bars, Dawn?


“Intentional observation is a form of asking a question” - M

Friday. 05.07.2021

Commented on an elderly man’s loose-fitting, warm yellow, plaid spring jacket in line at the Post Office. He’d been examining it at the time of comment. Startled, he confided, “My wife thinks it’s fuddy-duddy.” I say, Well, it’s a nice spring jacket. He looks again, trapping the lapel between his thumb and forefinger, newly amused with his dressings. 

Friday. 01.29.2021

I feel so awful! There’s a pit where my heart is supposed to be and a wound in my gut. 


Here, remember: You are safe. You are full. You are sheltered. 


Life is not bad.


Your heart is guiding your thoughts,


And your heart is in pain. 


It isn’t always.


Keep thinking, 


Then, feeling,


And, finally,


Loving. 

Friday. 05.19.23

Graphite dusts my heavy palm.

Fox is smudged amongst her stage.

How often must I bring this leaded hand up to my fettered face?


Reflect in me a mountaineer,

“Oh face, what face!” say mirrored Sage.

How often must you summitt quiet heart to turn my thunderous page?

Tuesday. 06.06.2023

A The ineffeable yin. 


B The auspicious yang.


A It grows from my chin.


C Pluck, pluck, pluck.


B Thusly, kin sprang,


C Afforded by luck.


B Tongues in spate hang,


D For gray in the nigh.


C A stillness has struck, 


C A stillness has struck!

Tuesday. (2/2). 06.11.2019

I notice a new person enter the tent. He looks like a journalist, I think. Hi. “Hello,” he responds promptly. What’s your name? “Eduard, and you?” Where are you from? “France-” What are you doing here? The unprompted interrogation is moving so quickly it transcends my common courtesy. Poor joe. “I’m a journalist.” Nice to meet you, I’m Cas. 

I sit with Eduard. He does the journalist thing and interviews me on tourism. I’m the first tourist he’s met in his time here. He’s been living in Nouakchott, the capital, for two months now, having left his post in another country due to unsafety. Here, he works for the RFI (France Media Monde). He is covering the development of Mauritania’s tourism, agriculture, and business as tourism here remains an untouched venture. He is the only french representative for journalism stationed in the country. He is just stopping by the oasis before heading out to Atar to interview some officials in lieu of the presidential campaign. He also wants to go to La Source. I go with him and we bathe and talk and laugh. He tells me of his journalistic endeavors, and he inquires about my ending up here. I enjoy his company. We, too, exchange contact. He offers to bring me to Atar, but I know I must stay one more night. Plus, I’m awaiting on Sidi #2 to clue me in on his hometown, Chinguetti. So, we rendezvous back at the tree base and eat a meal together. His guide instructs me to absolutely not ride the train alone. He says it is not safe for a woman, alone, for so long in the night. “There are thieves and potentially more dangerous people,” Eduard translates. I take his comment very seriously, I ponder, and I thank him for his advice. I tell him, I must be honest, I still plan to take the train this way. "OK, of course, no problem.” Eduard instructs me to call his Mauritanian number if necessary and he will contact my embassy. I thank him. He wraps his turbo. I wish him luck as he discovers more and more - about himself and these countries. 

Jemal has us sit for tea again. Did I mention that, in Mauritania, the custom for drinking tea is that you do so roughly three times a day at three cups a sitting? Three, three. The power of it. We take a small rest as the sun activates it’s strength. In the truck, Jemal and I steer off into the flatland to see ancient cave drawings from, as Jemal claims, 4,000 years ago. Along the way, burnt orange sand tangles among white dunes bombarded from behind with the fury of black tinged mountain plateaus. We carve offroad with his truck at a strategic speed, mounting terrain I’d have thought to be unscalable by vehicle. We walk over the Mars-like earth, mountains fading, bleeding into the horizon and the sun beginning to silhouette the rocky structures. Here, we come upon a barbed wall and padlocked door. He unsheaths a key and a rock. The key, to unlock the padlock and the rock, to open it with brute force. Once open, he shows me the paintings, calling them by name in french: camels (chameau), donkeys (âne), women (femme), sun (Soleil).

I ask him, Who built the wall? He says he did to keep the children away from the drawings - they like to take rocks and carve over them. I ask him, How long ago was it that you found this? “Six years.” He’s known this part of the desert like no other, taking daily trips for what I can assume has been most of his life. He is a nomad, after all, and a Chief of his tribe, of his land, nonetheless. When he came upon these paintings, he was beside himself. I take time with the wall, running fingers over the stone. He is patient with my wonder. He is still in wonder, too.

Back to the car. I take many photos of him against the terrain. He is unphased. As we traverse the return drive, a rock pops our tire. Together, we manage to prop the car up and give it a good change. Though, first, I make sure to document the beauty of the experience. It is said a flat tire is so common here that most people stick to their donkeys. We make a few photo stops, listen to some arabic desert music, and return to camp. Here, we sit for tea and eat with the family and workers. I feel so lucky to have come at this time. I am overwhelmed with gratitude to know these people like this, despite our language barrier. There is nothing that loving intentions cannot transcend. Musa, one of Jemal’s farm hands, scrolls through the photos of Mauritania and laughs at the men he knows. Everyone knows everyone who knows travelers here. He’s silent when he likes a photo. He snorts when one is bad. The moment is shattered when Jemal’s daughter, Bowbie, shouts “Agrab! Agrab!” Musa stirs up as if a fire lit beneath him, smacking the earth with his shoe. I look at Jemal. “Scorpion,” he clarifys. I run to the scene and marvel at the twitching threat. It is so small. I can’t believe I’m seeing a scorpion with my eyes, not behind glass, not from afar, and only a mere five feet away from where we sleep in the sand.

Now, I sit and write and use pillows as a tripod. I’ve never known stars so intimately. I tell Jemal I would like to sleep in the open sand beneath the stars, and he so willingly and kindly obliges. That’s where everyone else will be sleeping, anyway. For now, I am contented, in the full context of the word. As I write, I know this passage is not the most picturesque nor on an elitely profound level so as to be transcribed into history, but I know this information and knowledge of the present during the present will come in handy in the future of artistic documentation. At least in this lifetime. I’ve got to get it out before it gets out of me. So I say to you, you, goodnight and so long until tomorrow. 

Tuesday. (1/2). 06.11.2019

A squeeze to the arm, a tongue click, my name.

Jemal sits by the opening of the hut. 8 AM. “Manger,” he softly instructs. I collect myself, my things, and I come for breakfast. Ruth, an Austrian radical carving her way to home-base in Burkina Faso, gives me a “yoo-hoo”. I follow it to the tree basin. Today, Ruth wants to see La Source, so I accompany her alongside Jemal. Jemal is the Chief of the Oasis. We follow his footsteps to freshwater palms in a shaded cavern. There, we linger, planning to bathe in the transparent ponds before our projected plateau climb. At the pond, I see a card folded and face down beneath the water. I beam. I collect found cards, I speak to Ruth’s curious ears. Her eyes catch the curiosity and she asks, “What’s this one?” Without undressing, I submerge and retrieve the numerical trophy. It’s a 3, I reverb. Now, her smile is the last to fall victim to that dastardly curiosity. I go on about the history and significance of repeatedly finding this number. Her response exudes casualness. “There you have it,” she declares, “Not lost in paradise, but found.” 

Here, schools of inch-long fish nibble at your skin, picking and cleaning. She freely removes her top and implies that I am free, as well, to do the same. She asks Jemal to give us some privacy, and he saunters off into a shaded bunk beneath the cavern’s walls. (It is all his land. Four families share the freshwater from the oasis, but the land is his. Camp. The house in Atar. Everything.) Anyway, I relinquish and I feel present. Ruth tells me she learned a very important fact recently, and she was going to share it with me. Here goes: Everyone is always, no matter how it seems, doing the best that they know how at any time. She elaborates. Topics mix and morph, tangents begin. She carries on, telling how she entertains the confident assertion that she is not looking for death, problems, or danger, and will, therefore, not worry. However, if they come, only then will she allow worry in her heart. “You cannot spend your life full of this, because then you are only half alive. The future is never promised, you know.” She reclines into laughter as the fish tire of her feet and scale her well-traveled legs.

We finish up, redress, and head back to camp. Ruth packs up the van with Sidi, her guide, and they go off together in a cloud of dust. Before their departure, Sidi advises me to not take the train or, at least, to be very careful and ride with others. I am very strict in my desire and I quote to him a second-hand philosophy, courtesy of Ruth. I am not welcoming danger. I will not worry about it, either. I thank him as I see him off. If it comes, it is written, just as the ride is written. Ruth and I embrace as if we are old friends and maybe we are. When she leaves, I take rest beneath the tree for tea. 






Monday. 06.10.2019

The children draw faces in the dirt and throw camel droppings. I recline by the side of the road as the transport crew cranks a spare. This is one of the many tire-popping breakdowns during the rugged transport from the capital to the frontier of Saharan West Africa. The assumed grandfather of the romping children makes sacred the stop, kneeling in dust, bending, standing, swiping sand from his forehead. I couldn’t help but gush at the beauty of the moment. Couldn’t help but feel religious in my non-belief. Soon enough, we’re back at it and I doze for the rest of the journey. We stop at five or six stationed militia. Each time, a copy of my passport is handed off. At the last stop, a man opens the back door and implores in french, “Ça va?” How was your trip? No problems? Beautiful ride? Yes, actually. Beautiful, merci. He smiles and says goodbye. He grunts at the driver.

Jemal is waiting for me in Atar. He is the Chief of the Terjit Oasis. He has a dash of age to him, his balding head topped by turbo. He shakes my hand, smiles, and off the bat we know we won’t be speaking so much. He only speaks French and Arabic. And I, English. No matter, we stop in town for tea in an empty room in a colorful building that he owns. We sit and listen to african blues - Felenko Yefe. He enjoys it, snapping, singing and dancing to the sound. We stay like this, drinking, eating, listening, for two hours. Then, Terjit. The road is not straight, nor does it lack police. All the more, copy after copy. The landscape begins to change from desert dust to mountainous terrain with jutting, confounding geological structures, what with their peaks are plateaus. Deeper, deeper. A touch of green, a spot of palm. We come upon a valley filled with huts and vibrant foliage, boasting their abundance of dates and freshwater. La source. We come about, sit, eat more, drink more tea and I nap in a traditional hut, woven of the earth, spanning from the base of a tree. It is a natural sanctuary from the sun. I wake up in time to take some photos from the hut perched on top of a hill - these will be my quarters.

From here, I see a new van arrive at the compound. Out steps a milky white woman with a deep brown man. I find out later that this woman is Ruth, of Austria, traveling Africa by van and residing in Burkina Faso to provide community entreprenurship and water to the villages there, and the man is Sidi from Nouakchott, another Sidi, who is from France and is a guide for people in Mauritania. He lives here now with his wife, for 10 years. We hi and bye for but a moment before heading to La Source to check the center of the oasis. We vow to touch base later. Together, Jemal and I walk to La Source, and I’d swear on holy text I’m walking into a fantasy. The palms swoon above the freshwater rivers pulsing through the compound. They nestle sweetly between stalagmite rock, collecting fresh water for drinking at its basin. We pass this, climbing higher to the mountain beyond, and we find to our right a view of Terjit and to our left the beginning of the sand dunes. Jemal teaches me some french words in reference to our natural surroundings, and we bond again by singing these words to the tune of the wind. 

Upon return to camp, I find Ruth bathing in the pool, and she invites me for a swim and a chat. Who knew I would be walking into the path of, perhaps, a mentor. She reminds me, so dearly, of “C”, in her accent and her mannerisms, and most importantly, in her spirit. I immediately bloom for her, listening, without interjection, for hours. She is a force to be reckoned with. We get out, shower, sit and eat and talk through the evening with Jemal and Sidi, Ruth acting as translator. The topic of love evolves. The wind blows thick. We talk about a lot of things this night. I cannot mention them all. I fear the moment I recount it all, is the moment it leaves my subconscious and the thought feels cared for enough to not bug me in my conscious doings, and I will, at that moment, lose all of the teachings that are being integrated from this woman and this desert. Ruth commands to fight for love in all things because it is true, and it is the only wealth for which death is a worthy trade. We go for a swim again, this time, in the nude. She is so free, it's contagious. I feel that I forget where I am but am nowhere else. We talk of Burkina Faso, where she’s living and supplying wells for drinking water. We dispute the rules, the experience there, her husband’s cancer, and the counter-intuitive recovery of her marriage. Next, I chat up her life path and life-long dream of coming to Africa, her realization that Africa is her home, her spirituality, her tango with Malaria and Dengue simultaneously, the pursuit of life and love, her past as a mediator for refugees, etc, etc. Afterward, she shows me the van she lives in. It has everything you could need and more. She will sleep there tonight with her door open to the stars. We exchange contact, as I plan to join her on her mission in Burkina at some point. I know we will cross ways again, in a productive way. I return with my camera to my castle on the hill and daze into the stars. The lens cannot capture this beauty. Not for me. Nothing can. Only this memory exists in my mind, and for that, it is extraordinary. I am so happy and amazed, I cannot sleep. I stay up until 3:30.  


Thursday. 06.06.2019

Now, I head towards another terminal for this shot. I inquire within. Many people are averse to do much searching, whether it is the language barrier or a lack of motivation on their holiday - it is Eid after all. These workers must want to jump ship. This is why the Yellow Fever shot is nowhere to be found in Cairo. I bounce from here to there, chipping time from my gratuitous grace period between the 4 AM and 4 PM flight. Finally, terminal one holds the treasure I seek. Quarantine. Like shining Vegas lights to a sobered drunkard in the desert. The shot is here, in a room so apocalyptic. A covered woman sleeps. I wake her. She administers the shot and sweetly speaks Arabic to me slowly with hopes that speed will teach me to understand. I try. Nothing. I pay 150 Egyptian Pound, or 9 USD, and go on my way. 

10 AM. Back to the terminal. I wrap myself around my bag and tuck my arms beneath my head. I sleep like this in shifts, four or five times. In moments of lone-ness, I people-watch at a meditative state. Not wondering where they have come from or where they are going, but who they are and what they are thinking. I hum to soothe any other thoughts away. In an instant, it is 1 PM. 

I check-in for my flight to Casablanca. I go to the gate, I find 30 minutes of WiFi, and I call my mom. I’m still kickin’, I say. I download the maps to Mauritania, but I’m not sure that they’ve completed as my mother’s voice drops out and my phone becomes a chunk of metal again. Oh well. I board the flight. I sit next to a woman reading a book in Arabic. I marvel at its beauty and backward-frontwards fashion. I sleep, heavily, on and off. I get to the next airport with an hour between flights. For transfer, it seems that everyone in the crowd is in the same hustle. So I wait. I make it through with ten minutes to spare. My gate is a hefty length away. I do not run. I pace myself for timing. I do not feel that they will leave. I arrive, and the flight has yet to have even boarded. I look for WiFi to send my mother an OK and continue downloading the maps, but alas, 9. Kaput. I stand with a woman who looks middle eastern but screams ‘have you ever heard of a little thing called the western world?’ She is wearing a strappy sleeveless top with her hair down and glamorous hot magenta on her lips to match. There is something written in Arabic plated gold and cradling her neck. We smile at each other gently, as it seems there is something common between us: we do not belong. We stand in line to board the flight. For ages, I think. I lose myself in watching a Muslim mother move her cover aside to let her child kiss her face. In the arms of love, priority lay claim. Once we start to move, the conversation between us sparks. Some joke was made (like a mutual, exasperated finally), and I knew it was time to talk. 

She is a Syrian woman, living in London, traveling to Mauritania to see her husband. They’ve just married in April. We find our seats. She is sitting a few rows ahead and tells me she will seek me out once everyone has boarded. The doors close. We do not move aside from her switching seats to rest by my right hand. “The man up there would not sit next to me. He was asking women in Arabic, please, switch with me, please would you sit next to her? I finally answer, ‘OK, do not worry. I am moving anyway. You can sit.’ What am I, this thing? This thing he cannot share a seat with on a flight? Anyway, I answer in Arabic, and I think he stopped talking then.” She smiles between almost every sentence. I can tell she is not a happy person, but that she wants to be. So she becomes positive. We talk about Syria, what it is like to have grown there, and to have left. Her family still lives there. They cannot leave. The situation is better now compared to what the worst had to offer, but it is not good. There is no water, houses are crumbling, food does not satisfy. She tries to visit once a year. Last year, all of her and her children’s passports were stolen. She was a wreck. Thieves can sell them well because they are British passports with many stamps of international travel around the EU. This could save someone from living a life in Syria. She understands this. She moves on and eats the money it takes. 

Fourteen years she has lived outside of London. She had a first husband, but he was so negative, so wrong for her. She ate his feelings, too, and became hardened by it. Because she is so keen to be positive, she lasted so long in a relationship that tore her apart. For this, she has regret. If she could redo it, she tells me she would. It affected her mood permanently, and her children saw an ugliness they cannot unsee. She is quick to feel anger now, whereas before, nothing could phase her. I tell her that maybe this is good, to feel more emotion, but to not always let it run so carelessly. She has learned, and too, must unlearn. I tell her of this philosophy, and she agrees. Now, she has found love in the man she is visiting. He is her second cousin. Her father’s cousin. He loved her since she was little, but she married young, and he let her go. Once she divorced many years later, their contact erupted, and they fell in love. She married for love. She tells me this is the most important, basic, complex aspect of being alive. I agree.

  She hears of my travels alone, and she is shocked at the determination. Impressed, even, with a twinge of fear. We eat our airplane food, and we nap on the flight. She sleeps on the floor. I have never seen this before. I like her very much. Her name is Y——-.

We wake to the rumbling of turbulence and a smack to the pavement. We land, perhaps without control. She and I look at each other, a bit distraught and teeming with nervousness. We are here. Nouakchott. We get off the plane, and the airport is a room. I think there are only two flights per day - one to leave and one to arrive. Y——- finds her husband at the doors and embraces him with youthful emotion. I can see the love they have for each other. It has been one month since their last meeting. Without a hitch, she introduces us. I don’t catch his name. He asks how I will arrive at my destination and who I will stay with. I tell him I will grab a cab to “Big Market” and that the man will wait for me there. He says, La. Y——- tells me he will drive me to my destination and call the man, L——, for me. I am grateful. My visa process takes a long while, and I soon realize that she and her husband are nowhere to be found. That I am the sole person left at the airport. As the visa is being adhered to my pages, Y——- materializes from thin air, calling to me. No one speaks English, only French and Arabic. This will be difficult. Her husband is questionable about the man I will stay with. He says that he should have picked me up from the airport. I get into their car. I thank them profusely for all that they have done. I make a few jokes to lighten the anxiety of helping someone else when you feel it is necessary. She laughs, and tension leaves our enclosure. She offers me food in the back of the car. She and her husband flirt in Arabic. I love to see them. The road from the airport is one long stretch of asphalt in a sea of sand.

He calls L—— as we arrive. I see him. I offer them money. They say no, but that they’d love to see me soon, perhaps for the sea. I tell her I will message her though I am not sure that I can without WiFi. I squeeze her as another thank you and we part, our parts having been played and bowing. I meet Limam in the square. There are many traditionally clothed men selling sim cards dangling from their hands. They hold them out like a ribbon of granddaughter and grandson photos in an elderly woman’s wallet. L—— shakes my hand and hugs me in the street. He immediately purchases a SIM card for my Nokia that N—- so graciously bequeathed to me. I put it in. Even if I wanted to eat the money it would take to use data for a call, it would not be possible. There is no service here. This is my priority. L—— and I return to his home, it is a very homely home. Bare minimum, a touch of running water, a few things in the fridge. He labels the few items with his name so his family does not eat - some fruit and some yogurt. L—— sets up the yogurt and dates for us. We sit in a room, upstairs, that will be mine. The walls are covered in sharpie drawings from other travelers. The Mauritanian flag hugs the wall, proudly showcasing the mass gratitude and thanks by the hands of many travelers - French, English, Chinese, Arabic. He tells me this is my home, I do not have to cover. He will do with me whatever I would like tomorrow. “I will take you to the camel markets.” He must wake up for work in the morning and so he must sleep - 3 hours. He will see me tomorrow. I lay my head, I sleep in my clothes. I turn off the lights and open a window. I have made it here. I am alone and yet, not at all. My thoughts cannot scare me, I have done more fearful things than they would have me believe I have done to me. I charge my Nokia, and I sleep.



Wednesday. 06.05.2019

Children run the streets by horse and carriage. We stumble to the market and pass an open gate with children burning paper, chanting around its open flame. We join them for a moment and insouciantly saunter off into another direction. Street vendors chop miscellaneous meat and offer up some pickings. An equivalent to a dollar for four meals. This is Eid. Streets become coursing rivers. And the rivers, flooded with joy.


Tuesday. 06.04.2019

Steel wades through seas to part.

Seizing the land with the arc.

Famine, disease bring to hark

The Citizens of the lost art.

Tremble does he who halt.

Finger points pricking at the fault.

Unsteady is the hand to the wound.

He, too, casualty of doom.


Glass bided by black.

Sew up the tears of a maniac.

Gilded sludge of the spine.

Authored by no one of no other time.


Thursday. 05.30.2019

With bags packed, salutations sent, and intentions spoked, we aim to leave before the morning light. The 5 AM alarm signals us to the station but no bus greets us. At least the sun never fails. No choice remains but to tail-tuck a stay until evening. Groundhogged, we prepare our second final Iftar with a Sinatra croon and Frenchman duo. I ride slack on a motorbike through the Siwan streets - a last leg’s stretch. Bus number two is met with defeat, fully packed without a spare seat. Siwa, unabashed by its efforts to thwart escape, welcomes our listless crash back into its expecting arms. We walk halfway home only to stop for tea and shisha. The market sings with life. I listen to its song. I am quiet. I am at peace. I find content with being somewhere, just being, and looking around at the present’s presence. I feel safe in my body, and more, in my bones. 

Columbu sits by the stairs, ambient duck gurgles announce our sequel’s sequel. “3 times goodbye,” he tells us, “must stay in Siwa.” I will miss him. Columbu ’s eyes close gently and his lips loosen, comfortingly. There’s his smile. There, in him, is a home.


Wednesday. 05.29.2019

Pedal for pedal, the bicycle combats carving a titanic fate into Siwa’s sand-laden streets. The tired sun charges my spokes. I must reach the dunes for sunset. It shall be a fair fondwell, after all. A farewell sent improperly infects the memory of the thing to which you are saying “so-long”. Human memory, already, is so misgiving. Let us not permiss it to err beyond redemption. I listen to the air whistle between the spokes and the wind chat all the more loudly with each step into velocity’s ferocity. The road bends but the course lies ahead. Offroad, a plaited line parallels a set of footprints. I ditch the bike behind a mound of dry shrub and steer my step into the steep slant of sand. Straddling the knife’s brittle edge, a bellied moan resounds from my chest. It’s a heart-wrenching soul cry. Sand serenades in return, throwing itself into a haze. Together, we sing. Together, we cry out!

Monday. 05.27.2019

Productivity. Hard work at the base. Said has not returned from Cairo. Friendship with Columbu blooms. He mimes to me his history with automatic weapons in the Edku Police force for 13 years. He is, again, just 27 years old now.

Thursday. *05.23.2019

Time, time, time. Man alone chimes the hour and man alone sacrifices the heart. Onwards, forwards. If you have a goal, a destination, and you create a reason good enough that your own dichotomous entities can not dispute, you will ward off the deep depravity of depression’s grip and the remnants of heartbreak.

For Iftar, we trek to Said’s brother’s compound outside center. The women are shrouded and the men are late. I am ushered into a private room, where the women and children eat apart from the men. An onlooker at the hidden world, women chatter in hushed tones and prepare the meal for the men first. With their fabric faces drawn, I peer into the vulnerability of facial flesh. So unscathed by gaze and with inadvertent eye contact. Dalia, Said’s rebellious counterpart, raises her tone and loosens her jaws at the women. They smile, unsteadily, and speak in airy Arabic. Dalia retorts flatly in return, hushing the women for a call, and gears up her gestures toward the thought of a person in front of her with a voice to her ear. She fights with the women, standing up swiftly and bending her forefingers in my direction. “Let’s go”. I express my thanks, and we escort ourselves from the property with grace. Later on, Dalia brings us to her apartment/house in old Shali ruins. The house is restored, the terra made from salt, and the ambiance channeling that of an anechoic chamber, vibrating your thoughts and your words within your eardrums so that you can’t tell which is what. She says “I want you to come and relax because…. I know.” I know, too. We both are knowing the unspoken tensity of Said’s nature. I never did find out what she said to those women in that room.

Monday. 05.13.2019

Dim. The room is dim and sweltering even in the cool of first light’s barren breeze. The twin twins sit like coffins as we lay buried beneath a thick sheet of heat. The lot of us pile into the tuk-tuk and set a course for the second construction project. Onward, we gain land with the sweeping wall of a waking sun. Faster. God, am I relieved to have brought my grandfather’s windbreaker, Old Reliable. It’s an old jacket I find to be, you guessed it, the most reliable article of clothing I possess. This jacket has faced the gnarliest of life experiences: from desert excursions to skyscraping exercises and, perhaps the most daring of all, loving embraces; not to mention, it has lived a lustrous life before my own. 

We approach the somewhat soon-to-be structure of a stable house. S—— opens a planked wooden door to a room with no ceiling and floors of sand. Out comes four donkeys and one horse. “Go! Hai!” S—— commands. They exit and off into the land they gallop. Peanuts to the view. Not one bead of sweat on his forehead comes from stress of their return. The daily tasks prove their ease - thumbing karakdih seeds into moist sand and salvaging plastic from arid rubble. “Please, go retrieve the donkeys.” Okay, I think. I head out into the wasteland and come upon the four of them, banded together. A nice thought crosses my mind about companionship and freedom. I go a round-a-bout way, pick up a palm, and approach the pace with haste. Herding them back to the ceilingless, adobe room was easier than expected. I go left, donkeys go right. I go right, donkeys go left. Though, it did feel as if I were the one at the mercy of their direction. (*Note: I began writing a sentence here while listening to Khruangbin that was a meaningless mess. It has since been erased and I have decided to no longer entertain the metaphors in the moment of flocking the donkeys.) 

S—— brings the horse with us to the farm. He ties him to the tuk-tuk and clicks his tongue, insisting on a change of gear. Already, I fear for this foal. He is being trained by a man who loves wildlife like a coltish child loves their dolls. The apex of this love’s thoughts halting at play. This horse is a toy, a pawn - a respected commodity and a slave to this man. My heart aches with each acceleration. The horse keeps pace to keep from dragging. I know he’s got the power in him to go faster than most machines, but he’s afraid. That kind of speed is a raw source of power, best tapped through freedom to roam, not the opposite. The horse drifts ahead of the tuk-tuk, the tether around his muzzle facilitating an unwilling overtake. Lack of slack attracts his front hooves to the wheel of the bike at full speed. It knicks him, he falters, and a soft trickle of blood creates a paste like molasses in the dust. 

We reach the farm not a second too soon, I exhale as the foal is set free to roam and feast on the feeble foliage. We plant seeds and sift through sand to unearth plastic and cast it away for repurpose. Afterward, the tuk-tuk dies out. The return will be completed by car. More speed, more power, more pull for the foal. 

I sneak out in the night to feed him sugar while everyone sleeps.